Spending time with loved ones

It can be good for children to spend time with loved ones after death and take part in their funeral, because it helps them understand what has happened, express their grief, and receive comfort from others. Children often like to draw a picture or write a letter or poem to put in the casket.

However, you know your child best, and you know what’s best for them. Experts recommend empowering your child to choose how much they want to be involved. Never force them to do anything that makes them uncomfortable.

It’s also important to speak calmly and clearly about death. Children can ask very direct questions. Euphemisms for death can confuse and distress younger children, so we recommend keeping your language simple and easy to understand.

Children and teenagers express their grief differently to adults. They may oscillate between feeling angry and distressed, dark humour, or seeming unconcerned. Every child is different and will react differently. Try to reassure them, support them, and accept without judgement. It will take time for them to deal with what has happened and what it means for them.

Skylight, a New Zealand agency supporting children, young people and their whānau to deal with times of change, loss, trauma and grief, has useful resources to help you support children and teenagers as they grieve.